What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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