Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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