We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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