so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
don't judge my taste in strippers
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
