You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
