So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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