I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
