I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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