I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
