She's JV to your varsity
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
