beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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