where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
