I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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