ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
