I can't watch pbs sober anymore
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
