One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
