wanna go halves on a baby?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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