There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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