Already got asked if we're dating
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
