I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
