Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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