the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Randomize
