Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
