last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
