She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Randomize
