true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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