Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize