why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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