I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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