p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
