When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
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