Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
