haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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