Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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