i'm signing you up for texting rehab
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
