So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
