Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
