Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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