am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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