dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
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Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
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Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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