oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
