be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
