Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How naked do you want me to be?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
