Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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