She went from zero to smokin in five shots
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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