People in love make me want to vomit
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
