And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
