I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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