Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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