I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
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