Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
