he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
