did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
