somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
