i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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