i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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